


you're holding back

by louiscontroll



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Band Break Up, Gen, Louis-centric, M/M, Main Character Death, OT5, OT5 Friendship, That isn't the main thing though, Zayn Leaves One Direction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-25
Updated: 2015-06-25
Packaged: 2018-04-06 02:04:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4203786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louiscontroll/pseuds/louiscontroll
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"There are four boys, and there is Louis, and there are four and a half years to kill."</p><p>Or, a Louis-centic OT5, filled with Louis' perceptions of the other boys and the fact that really, all five of them are born for each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you're holding back

One day, he wakes up, and everything is the same, and nothing has changed, and yet – _he_ is not the same.

One day he wakes up and he finds himself no longer being Louis with spelled with an ‘s,’ but Louis. Louis is free. Louis is no longer careful. Louis is willing to try, to be, to do. And Louis does.

It isn’t really a conscious change, it just sort of occurs. Perhaps it’s a metaphor for embracing joy – it just happens. No one necessarily chooses to change this way. But the point is, one day, Louis becomes a whole new person.

He sings because of this. His light and airy voice fills each space he takes up. Even though he himself is small, his voice is tall, and the messages he gives the world are the tallest. It takes some urging, but Louis takes a leap of faith and he shares this gift with the rest of the world. It pays off.

Four other boys took a risk, a leap of faith as he did, and now they’re taking the next step together. Louis is more thankful for this than he lets on – his voice may be tall, but there are some spaces that even he cannot fill.

There are four boys, and there is Louis, and there are four and a half years to kill.

**********

The first album is called “Up All Night” and it’s rather fitting because lately he’s _been_ up all night thinking, pondering, and questioning himself. He’s got a minute of air time in the entire album, and while it’s okay, while he wants the boys to shine, he can’t help but think maybe he’s not as tall as he once thought.

It’s Niall that snaps him out. “We’ve got at least two albums ahead of us,” he says gently one morning, as it’s just him and Louis sat at the kitchen table, drinking coffee far too early in the day. “We’ve got plenty of time.”

It’s an odd remark, coming from Niall, the one Louis immediately pegged as the most carefree soul in the world. He’s light, he’s fun, but most importantly, Niall’s heart is always full. It’s then that Louis realizes that while Niall only has a couple seconds more solo time than him – or maybe a couple less – the blond has been happy this entire time. He has taken in every minute, he hasn’t let the record company keep him down, and he has been _happy_. Louis admires that.

“You’re right,” Louis says, but he means a lot more than that.

Slowly, Louis begins to realize just how much of Niall he admires. Instead of lying awake at night, Louis falls asleep listening to the sound of Niall laughing, playing in his head over and over again. His laugh holds something truly joyful, truly…amazing.

“You like me, Lou, right?”

Niall’s drunk one night. Actually, all the boys are drunk but Louis. Technically half of them are still below legal drinking age, but they didn’t go out anywhere, so Louis is sure they’ll all be fine. He’s already gotten the rest of them into bed, lights off, fast asleep, but Niall is proving to be a challenge.

“’Course I like you, Nialler,” Louis says quietly, hobbling over to Niall’s room. Niall’s leaning against him, all his weight on the older boy’s shoulders.

“Doesn’t seem like it.” It’s that statement that causes Louis to freeze for a second, but he manages to keep going even though he feels like dropping Niall, who now feels heavy.

“What’d you mean? You’re Irish, what’s not to like?” _He’s just drunk_ , Louis convinces himself. _Doesn’t know what he’s saying._

“Interviews and stuff. Don’t talk to me. So annoyed at me. I know I’m annoying and all but why don’t you like me?” It actually comes out more like a mumble but somehow, Louis knows exactly what he’s saying.

“I like you a lot, Niall,” he promises. They’re almost to Niall’s door. “I promise.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

It satisfies Niall enough to stop talking. Louis manages to get him back to his room, safe and sound.

It never comes up again in conversation, but Louis never forgets it. He tries a little harder, just to show Niall how much he truly means. After all, if it weren’t for Niall, Louis probably would still lie in bed at night and question his own self-worth.

Louis spends a year _sure_ that Niall is more than…more to him than the rest of the boys. But he hadn’t really _met_ the other three yet.

**********

Liam’s been leaving early a lot lately, arriving at events late, and generally spacing out at random times. Year two of the band and Louis knows enough by now to recognize that this is very out of his character. Liam’s the controlled – possibly controll _ing_ one – and now? Now he doesn’t even seem to care what the other boys are doing.

Soon, they’re forgetting their schedules. They don’t know where they’re going or when they’re doing it or who’s riding in what car. Liam’s always been the one to keep track of that, but now he just gives them blank stares.

“Lia-m, you know you can talk to me about anything, right?” Louis intentionally draws out his name in order for the conversation to remain light, because Louis knows if it gets too serious it’ll just close.

Liam looks a little shell-shocked. “Yeah,” he says quickly, “I know.”

He doesn’t elaborate. Louis doesn’t push.

The behaviour doesn’t change, though, so a couple weeks later, Louis gets them alone again. “Li, you remember that conversation we had a while back?”

They’ve had many conversations, but Liam knows. “Yeah…I…”

Louis just gives him a pointed look, and it seems that that’s all it takes.

“Look,” Liam says, “I just…it’s been, like, a year and a half and I’ve just noticed how much I need to catch up with you lot on some things.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m just…I guess I’m not as fit as the rest of you, so you know, I’ve been going to the gym a lot lately. I mean. The fans have noticed.”

Louis feels there may be a slight dig there – _‘the fans have noticed, but not you’_ – but he ignores it, and instead focuses on the real issue. “You’re plenty fit, Liam! I mean, I’m practically swooning over you right now!”

Liam shakes his head and begins to turn away. They’ve never _really_ gotten along, mostly because of the fact they’re polar opposites in the way they do things, but Louis knows well enough when Liam’s really upset. “Look,” Louis says, “You’ve got a great body, Liam, and if you want to get in shape and all that, go for it. But don’t do it for the fans, or because you think we’re better or whatever. Do it for you. Besides, with all this around, we’ve lost our leader.”

Liam turns his head up sharply then. “Your leader?”

“Yeah,” Louis says. “That’s you.”

The conversation ends there, but Louis finds that through the rest of the year, their ‘methods’ of going about things, they slowly start to merge. They fall into a bit of sync, as despite all their differences, Louis finds that Liam fills a bit of a hole that he didn’t know was there.

Maybe Niall fills his life with laughter but Liam, Liam is strength, and it is all Louis has ever wanted.

**********

“Bus 1.”

Louis and Zayn say it at the same time. It becomes a bit of a song of their own – ‘what bus are you boys going to be on?’ ‘Bus 1.’ The other three always say ‘Bus 2.’ It’s just their _thing_.

They talk about the most random things on that bus. It’s never anything special, or scandalous. It’s not even good enough for the media to turn into anything _remotely_ interesting. One time they discuss the football game that’s on, another time they talk about playing FIFA.

But the thing is, Louis learns that he’s begun to rely on these sorts of talks. It’s a rhythm, almost – the day before they’re travelling to a show in a city Louis’ never been to, he can relax and just chill out with Zayn and _think_ , and talk, and do normal things in a life that is so far from normal.

“I really love having this,” Louis admits, one day. Zayn just gives a little grunt in response, but it’s an ‘affirmative’ grunt – he knows it and acknowledges it, too, just the same.

Sure, Louis has had this for three whole years, but the third year is when he really begins to understand that it isn’t the talks that he loves, it’s Zayn, in his presence and his demeanor and his…everything.

Maybe he loves him more than the other boys, maybe not, but his third year is full of admiration for a certain raven-haired boy.

**********

The feelings he has for Harry have always been there. The fans certainly picked up on it long ago, but Louis never really…did, until year four, when they’re both lying on the couch, as Harry has his head resting on Louis’ shoulder. It’s a pretty ordinary pose, for them at least, but Louis has never read into it.

When he thinks about it more, he realizes just how much love Harry is capable of, and how much Louis has for him because of it. Louis has always been, believe it or not, someone who craves affection from other people, and Harry had always been there to give it to him whenever.

It’s a shame, he thinks, that it took him four years to realize it.

“Hey, Haz?” he says quietly, using the nickname that was coined in 2012 and Louis never let go.

Harry stirs just a little. “Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

“Uh, you’re welcome, I think?”

Louis just smiles, and thinks how lucky he is to have a boy like Harry warm his heart.

**********

Zayn quits the band half a year later.

Louis was sure, so sure, that he was going to make it five years, and maybe in the fifth year he would realize how _he_ fits into this dynamic of laughter, strength, inquisition and love. But he never did. Instead, Zayn phones them up individually, and tells them just what’s happened.

“You can’t do this,” is the first thing to come out of Louis’ mouth.

“I’m sorry, Lou, but it’s for the best, really.”

“What about Bus 1? We got tattoos and everything.”

“Bus 1 will always be our thing,” Zayn promises, but he breaks it, because he doesn’t ride on Bus 1 anymore. Instead, there is only 1 bus for all four of them, and while Louis likes being with his boys he doesn’t feel quite so relaxed before shows anymore.

He gets angry, mostly because it’s the only thing that he knows how to do properly. How dare Zayn leave them – leave _him_ – like that? He shouldn’t be mad, he knows, but _still_.

The Twitter war that follows is immense. It’s scary. He shouldn’t have gotten involved. “Remember when you had a life-“ Louis can’t finish reading the tweet because he remembers, he does, he remembers that third year when Zayn was his life.

The funny thing is, Liam leaves next.

“Louis! That was…how unprofessional can you get?”

Louis shakes his head. “Look, I just got angry, I didn’t respond to him or anything but-“

“Now everyone thinks we drove him out!” Liam’s roaring at him, and Louis just wants to be anywhere but there.

He gets angry again. It’s his fatal flaw, isn’t it?

“Look, if you’re so angry at me, why don’t you just leave to?”

Liam looks a little less shocked than Louis would’ve thought – in fact, Louis is the one who gets shocked when Liam just stares him down and says, “Alright.”

He walks out the door.

The days that follow are the worst Louis has ever had. The band’s breakup is publically announced and Louis can’t go anywhere without being trapped and cornered by paparazzi, asking him about the ‘internal tension’ that the band had had. He stays inside after a while.

Niall stops laughing. Then he stops smiling. Then he leaves.

Harry doesn’t tell Louis when he’s going to leave. He just leaves a note.

Then, it’s all over. Louis goes to sleep one night, and he doesn’t wake up.

**********

**+1.**

_“It’s nice to see you again, Louis.”_

One day, Louis wakes up and everything has changed and nothing is the same, and the reason for that is because he is dead. He has been dead, and he knows this now. He isn’t sure who he’s talking to, but their voice surrounds him, filling wherever he is. “Thanks, I think,” Louis says. “Where am I?”

 _“You’re ‘after’ I suppose,”_ the voice, a man, says. _“Whatever you want that to be. You’ve already been in it for four years.”_

“I know,” Louis says. “I died four and a half years ago. But why – why was my afterlife being in a band? And why did it end?”

The man just chuckles. _“You died too soon. We wanted to show you what life would have been like living with your soulmate, something everyone should experience. You missed a life with your soulmate. We wanted to give you that.”_

Louis thinks for a little bit. “But I didn’t spend my time with a soulmate. I spent my time with four.”

The man laughs. _“Exactly.”_


End file.
